Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

– Carl Jung

The Guru says…

Here’s a brilliant application of the outflow equals inflow principle you can use right away! When friends, relatives, acquaintances endlessly carp about the same stuck complaints and aggravations, or dwelling just a bit too long on it, or are being just that little too self-righteous about things, it’s a sure give away THEY are doing it!

Background

Shakespeare first said it with “Action speaks loudly in accusation”– meaning what people tend to rant about reflects their own guilt about doing the very thing they are complaining of [he actually had Hamlet say “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” but go with me on this].

David Hume, Scottish philosopher, got hold of it with: “We never remark any passion or principle in others, of which, in some degree or other, we may not find a parallel in ourselves” (Treatise On Human Nature)

I think it was Emerson who quipped “The louder he talked about honesty the more I was inclined to hide the family spoons”.

Freud revisited the idea in modern times with a book called “The Psychopathology Of Everyday Speech”. In it he explains how what we talk about, especially when it is repetitive, is a reflection of our own negative aspects of case or “stuff”.

From this book we got the term “Freudian slip”, meaning some verbal marker to our real hidden feelings. It is rather like a flag sticking up in the sand; when you dig down, underneath is a buried sewer.

In fact Freudian slips have come to mean only smutty innuendos, but as originally used, Freud intended any revealing talk.

A more fundamental   principle is that what we give out is what we find coming back to us. We create our own reality, through creative conscious thought, and thus what we see “out there” is a reflection of what lies within ourselves.

The bits we are free and easy on cause no trouble; it is the parts with negative mental energy or “charge” which we tend to hang up on. We get stuck to the unknownness that represents the difference between what we thought we wanted and what we actually got.

A reverse or complementary aspect of the same phenomenon is that what you reject, you get.

The Law of Similars (homeopathy)

My friend Susan Flood, who has taken an active interest in the development of Guru Express and the Renegade Guru writings, and suggested the title for this key strategy, calls attention to the homeopathic Law of Similars – like tends to resonate with like. 

What all this amounts to is that we are all talking about ourselves. Our language reflects our case; our thoughts and ideas are more than a little to do with where the charge lies in the memory and personality. The more we blame others, the more we admit our own guilt.

Understanding this principle leads to one of the most powerful remedies in this article; one which undercuts most entries to a person’s REAL problems.

It shows you where the person’s case starts and thus:  what is most messing the person up and what to deal with first.

What You Do Speaks So Loudly, I Cannot Hear You

We’ve all heard this saying and it’s a wise one. It too belongs here. People talk about things but what they do often doesn’t match or reflect what they say.

In a way it’s the reverse of “We’re all talking about ourselves.” What we do is more important than what we say. But it still comes down to the same thing: people obsess about their own stuff. If you see a person behaving a certain way, that’s their case, no matter what they say by way of explanation of their actions.

In fact Earl Schoaff suggested a variation of this maxim: What I am speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say and what you are speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say.

That’s more akin to my saying. What we are being is given off loud and clear, both in actions, body language and speech itself.

Learn to read other people: they generally make it easy!

How serious does it get?

Consider this: on 13th September 1996 “The Guardian” newspaper carried an article reporting that an Indian womens’ activist group Mahila Jagran or “Woman’s Awakening” were opposing the staging of the “Miss World” contest in the town of Bangalore by threatening to commit ritual suicide by burning. Ask yourself what could be more degrading to a woman than self-immolation as a protest? Then think who is talking about themselves!

It seem a cliche that many womens’ rights workers are somewhat harming the case for their sex. But judged in terms of this revealing knowledge it would be PREDICTED that those who complain the most are women who themselves are failures, trouble-makers and somewhat less than complete in the feminine virtues.

Or perhaps there is no gender issue at all; merely that those who complain of being held back by society’s prejudices are those who most sabotage their own prospects of achievement in life. Is it not true that the majority of activists are at the odd end of society?

Research Proof

Now a study, published in the July 2010 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology seems to support what I have said all these years.

The study participants, who were college students, were asked to rate positive and negative characteristics of other students with whom they were acquainted.

The researchers discovered that a person’s tendency to describe other people in positive terms is an important indicator of the positivity of the person’s own personality traits.

Strong associations were found between positively judging others and how enthusiastic, happy, kind-hearted, courteous, emotionally stable, and capable the person describes his or her self and is described by others.

On the other hand, negative perceptions of other people are linked to higher levels of narcissism and antisocial behavior. A huge suite of negative personality traits was associated with viewing others negatively, indicating a greater likelihood of depression, antisocial traits and various personality disorders.

Being overly negative may be a tip-off that the person describing someone else is disagreeable, unhappy, neurotic, or has other negative personality traits, the researchers say and concluded that how positively we tend to perceive others in our social environment is a highly stable trait that does not change substantially over time.

[Wood, D. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2010; vol 99: pp 174-190.]

So – What Action To Take?

If someone is griping bitterly, stuck obsessively on a topic, carps about another individual, blames partner or in any other way is dwelling a bit too long on one topic, then recognize that he or she is dramatizing some case.

Instead of listening to him or her complain, get the person to make a complete list of groans. Then turn it round on him or her and say “THIS IS YOUR LIST; THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING”. A word of warning however- this is tough stuff! Choose the time and your manner carefully, otherwise you can lose a friend.

If a wife complains her husband is abusive, get her to work out WHAT SHE IS DOING to make him that way; if the husband says the wife is cold and distant, let him work out why that is his own failure; if the boss is a bully, what is he or she doing to provoke him; if the children are unruly, how did the parents make them that way?

This is a question of assuming full responsibility for a situation, if you like. One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to take responsibility for the OTHER PERSON and what they do. Yet to accept less, flies in the face of truth.

Conversely, to show you understand this rule and to live by it is to manifest kindness, love, wisdom and tolerance.

Quickie

A quicker version of this case remedy, which doesn’t truly handle but at least gets the person out of your hair, is to point out “Look– that’s your stuff, not mine. Now please drop it. I won’t be drawn!”

It applies to you too, of course

If you can live by this tough standard, you can save yourself a great deal of grief.

You need to practice the difficult art of self-observation. Basically, whatever you get mad about and makes you steamy under the collar, does so ONLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE CASE ON THIS TOPIC.

It actually is not true that what other people do cause you pain. It’s what you do to yourself. You hurt because is reflects something in yourself.

Peeling back the layers

The trick then, is being able to peel back the layers. Sooner or later, you will get down to the point where YOU are at cause.

In that instant, all hurt and upset will vanish! This is remarkable but true.

Try it if you dare!