There is one social communication technique which is rarely used and its remarkable benefits and pleasures are only occasionally stumbled upon by chance. That is the question of acknowledgement.
Definition:
- Recognition of another’s existence, validity, authority, or right.
- An answer or response in return for something done.
- An expression of thanks or a token of appreciation.
- The act of admitting or owning to something.
When it comes to communication, that irksome phenomenon of open loops returns to trouble us as much as ever.
If we say something to another person, that fact by no means assures that we have been heard—or heard correctly.
So there is a slight mystery; an open loop. Open loops can be very distracting and hold your attention long afterwards.
There is even a scientific term for it: The Zeigarnik Effect, named after Russian psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik. It means, among other things, that the mind will cling on to things that are incomplete and won’t let them go till there is a resolution.
Things can back up and stack up, wasting mental real estate. The answer is for people to get in the habit of responding with at least an acknowledgement: yes, I heard you (definition 2).
Recognition
There is another, perhaps more important use of expression of acknowledgement. That is letting people know you appreciate them (definition 3).
If somebody does something nice for you, say Thank you! We sometimes forget to do that.
More to the point, if someone is working for you or with you and they do a good job, day after day, regular thanks may not always cut it.
Sometimes, you need to step back and make a significant gesture of appreciation. Buy your secretary a bunch of flowers once in a while and say, “Thank you for all the good work you are doing for me.”
You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the way people light up and glow when they are singled out and acknowledged in this way.
It can become a duty in a relationship like a marriage but only if you let it becomes humdrum or routine. Buying your spouse flowers or any other gift as a “thank you” is a great way to let him or her know they are appreciated. There doesn’t need to be a special reason or message, just: Thank you for being you and being in my life.
Extravagant gifts or gestures are not needed. It’s the thought that counts, as they say.
Judy Dench’s husband, Michael Williams, arranged for her to receive a single red rose every Friday, no matter where in the world he or she was. The tradition lasted all their married life, until Williams’ death in 2001. With such fine love, a whole bunch of roses would be just overkill.
Managing Communication Loops
When you are in discussions with people, you can manage the flow of thoughts and exchange subtly and effectively by using acknowledgements.
You want to get a point across: say it and then make sure it was received: do you follow me? Did you get that?, or whatever. Person says Yes, you acknowledge with a “Good” or “That’s fine.”
It can work another way. The person is banging on and on about the same old thing; he or she seems desperate to get their point across. You acknowledge what they are saying with “Fine, I got that. I have heard you; I do understand…” or whatever cuts it.
Followed by: “I’d like to move on beyond what you are saying and let’s go to this…” or however you want to word it.
It’s amazing how some people behave, just because they believe they are not being listened to (which is probably true in most circumstances). I remember a guy once, back in college days, who would jump out in front of cars, making drivers come to a screeching halt—including me.
I got out of the car and said, “OK, I understand you! You have a message, I got it!” He didn’t say anything back but looked uncomfortable and shuffled off to the roadside. I never saw him do this again.
People who communicate obsessively often simply haven’t been heard. They don’t shut up because they don’t want to lose the center stage. Having got it, their determination to be heard out makes them very dreary and difficult companions.
Well, acknowledge him or her! Tell a woman her hair looks fantastic or her dress is wonderful. Tell a man he looks like a film star, you just can’t think of his name, but could you please have an autograph….
You’ll stop the boring fart in his or her tracks.
It’s kind of sad, really, that some people define themselves in terms of their words and ideas. He or she is compulsively trying to “Be”, through words.
Well, the opposite of this is something I teach: If you don’t communicate you don’t exist. Our very Being is measured by communication; we are there to the degree we make ourselves known. That’s true.
But that doesn’t mean any old garbage communication is good for our image. It does mean any communication is better than no communication. But only up to a point: bad communication is more destructive than silence.
Practice Chopping People Off
Most of us are good at talking. The majority are good at interrupting. But what about this skill of closing somebody down with an acknowledgement?
You can do a fun drill (exercise) with a friend or friends. Take it in turns. Buddy-up and one becomes the coach; then turnabout.
The coach bangs on about some chosen topic; trying not to stop.
The pupil practices getting in with acknowledgements. Shouting someone down is not the point (though I have had students get pretty noisy on this one). The skill you are looking for is being able to insert a meaningful period of full stop.
Coach makes it steadily harder. Coach must be honest and stop if the student has won, fair and square (that in itself is an acknowledgement of the student’s skills, by the coach, isn’t it?)
Gradually it gets tougher. Coach is more and more reluctant to give in and stop yapping. Student gets more and more ingenious and determined.
As I said, it can be great fun, very noisy and lots of laughter. But a useful social skill, nonetheless.